I searched throughout ~R~'s blog to find her post on "fight or flee" but I couldn't find it. Here's the link to her blog, and if you look around and happen to find it, do read it. Its awesome.
This post is vaguely related to that.
Its also related to how big a douche I am.
I apologise for any ambiguity in this post. I'm sorry I will not be able to answer more questions than what I will be saying about the douche part. I don't get personal on this blog, and that, is. Then why the post? Well, I needed this outlet, and this will serve as a permanent reminder to me, or atleast till this blog is around, of how big a douche I can sometimes be. Also, to you readers, that awesome people can also make mistakes.
Remember when you went shopping? And you saw these perfect shoes on sale, but you were too lazy to go buy them and decided to pick them up the next day? Only the next day came, and they were completely sold out?
Didn't happen to you? Remember how you told yourself next time I will say something. I will tell her exactly what I think. Only the next time never came, or worse still, the next time came and you still kept mum.
That didn't happen either? OK, fine remember the time you told everyone, this is it. I'm going to do it. And then chickened out and missed your chance forever?
OH COME ON! If none of these happened to you, you're either lying, or you're... no wait, you're definitely lying! Anyway, aforementioned examples are a little extreme/non-trivial but they describe exactly what I'm feeling right now; i.e like a douche/doof/idiot/big fat loser chicken!
I fight, I do. But for all the wrong things. Things that are absolutely insignificant. No tomatoes (OK, no wait, I can't believe I said that, no tomatoes means NO TOMATOES. Period.). Internal marks (see after 4 years of engineering, they do seem pretty insignificant). Permission issues - car perm, dinner perm, stayover perm, all sorts of perm.
I don't, however, fight for the important things! I very literally flee. No, I actually run away, and pretty quickly at that. And I did that today. *ambiguity begins* After the freaking out and deciding, yes this it, I'm going to do it. When after, a really really REALLY long time, I felt the crazy rush to do something of the sort. After the crazy coincidences. After the looking. After Porcupine Tree. After Pink Floyd. After COLDPLAY. After the saying. After the winning. After the million 'OH MY GOD's'! After the leaving, after the waiting...
Today, I didn't fight. I fled. And I so totally want to hit myself for doing so. I won't but I still want to. Sigh.
Anyway, resolution after today. FIGHT, search, and believe that you are going to get a second chance. I know I will. Get the second chance, that is. And then, I strike. And you will see me, rather I, will see me. The fighter. The getter. The winner!